Monday, 15 August 2011

In the words of Mick Jones

If Parker wants to leave, let him.

Championshit or not, West Ham are still one of the biggest and most talked about clubs in the world. The fans deserve better than someone pissing around and placing emphasis on their international career rather than the club that has invested so much in them.

When I saw Parker run out in the starting eleven on August 7th, he couldn't have looked more horseshoe, and as the game wore on, he couldn't have played with less conviction. The torch had dimmed. The spark was gone.

If Parker would rather give up the adoration of the Boleyn faithful for one season, two at best, to stagnate at Joke City, then let him, but he needs to make a decision and fast because the average Hammer who's cut their arm off to pay for a season ticket ain't half getting sick of the 'rumours' regarding who he's been linked with and how much they want for him.

So let's take the pressure from Crapello out of the equation for a moment and ask Scotty straight up: If you're staying, let's have some committment; if you're going, hurry up sod off then because we deserve a bit of respect.

This is for you Scotty. Think on. 'Cos like old Mick says, 'this indecision's bugging me'.

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Small Heath Alliance show all you 'ooligans how it's done

"I control the city. I control Birmingham."

I found this video after one of my friends posted a YT classic of Hammers and Millwall going at each other's throats along Green Street in one of a number of pointless Facebook groups.

"No matter what nationality you are. If you support Birmingham City, you're a Zulu."

My family all support Villa. That should make me hate Birmingham right? That's the expectation. Certainly this ridiculous video doesn't inspire me to rush to the gates of St. Andrews and part with 800 quid of my hard earned dosh for a season ticket just so I can be part of this.

"Blues rule the city centre".

Blimey! That'll learn me next time I'm walking along New Street. This bunch think they're so flipping 'AArrrd' that in their so-called 'notorious battle' against Villa fans at Rocky Lane, a massive 15 arrests were made and their ringleader didn't even take part. That'll make the police cells of Small Heath bulgeon. "It'll never be forgotten." Well, I'm a Villa fan and I've never ever heard about it until I saw this clip. I bet Crystal Palace were quaking in their boots when these idiots turned up in London dressed at Hitler. Laughter alone should have been enough to make them skedaddle back up the M6.

I didn't post this in order to jump on the bandwagon of lectures against hooliganism and violence. There's enough of that. I just think the world needs to see how utterly childish this 'documentary' really is. I actually laughed my head off.

So what constitutes a hooligan? I've seen plenty of videos in this vein on YT tagged with 'West Ham hooligans on Green Street' which appear to be just a bunch of Hammers fans exiting from the Boleyn chanting. Is that hooliganism?

First game of this season at Upton Park and the home fans in the East Stand (my domain) were rounded up as they came out and ushered along towards Barking Road whether they wanted to go that way or not. Our route back to Castle Street was blocked by a posse of Met on horses. We were obliged to hang around on the corner of Barking Road waiting for the rest of our 'crew' to come out of West and find us. Well, I was told to "move along now love". Perhaps I was a threat to inciting violence. Perhaps I was exhibiting hooligan behaviour. Who knows? I'm not saying that the problem doesn't exist, it does, but in this Nanny State, we now over-use the word to label any football fan who's just a bit happy.

In today's climate where rioting and looting have become part of our tabloid diet, it does make me wonder what sort of mentality 'One Eyed Baz' from Handsworth (where else!?) actually has. Do we really need to ask how he lost that eye?

So, Villa fans; next time you're seeing your mates' faces getting smashed off in a street brawl after a game, or those 'top boys' are giving you the once over just because you're in the claret and blue, just remember that: "it was all done in a laugh."

Monday, 8 August 2011

Balloon bursting bastards of Barking

First game of the season and we run into a group of Cardiff fans at 11am in McDonalds.  As you'd expect, there's Hammers fans everywhere.  We're on our home turf.  We're from London.  A five minute drive from the Boleyn, we've every right to be there, but us walking in to where they're having breakfast, doesn't go down well.  They eye us up on our "family" day out, grimace at our four kids in their Hammers' baseball caps like we've just stepped off the Nostromo or something, as they suck out the centres of their gherkins.

As we order food, obscenities from the far corner of Maccy D's start up.  Very uncomfortable.  Something along the lines that they would see us next Tuesday.

My mate, Mr Henderson - well, he's from Canada.  He's in a "Metal" band.  Well he thinks he's 'ard yer see.  He tells them to "shut the fuurck up" in his Montreal drawl.  Oh they don't like that.  All of a sudden there's a huge bang, then another, then another.  I actually thought it was a gun.  I really did.  I knew I ought to keep my cool and not turn around, but when do I ever do the right thing?  I turned around on the second or third gloop: as the Cardiff fans were leaving, they popped every single balloon in McD's crappy window display and swaggered off down Barking Road like they owned the world.

Great advert for British football.

How a small group of Cardiff fans managed to escape their police escort from South Mimms service station, we don't know.  And we didn't want to ask.  Earlier in the week, United had to suspend all ticket sales for the game due to a large quantity of ticket requests from South Wales.  First game of the season and West Ham had a potential infiltration on their hands.

Lots of reports in the press pitying Cardiff.  Such a shame that 'London based' Cardiff fans would have to travel to South Mimms just to pick up their tickets. 

What bloody "London based Cardiff fans" FFS?!  Maybe it was the ones in McDonald's?  Or maybe it was these guys with their particularly witty and humourless slogans?

We lost 0-1.  At home.  In the 91st minute.  First match of the season.  First match with Big Sam.  First match of the 'New Order'.  Scott Parker played like he'd left Upton Park already.  Oh, and three rows into the East Stand, we were drenched.

Welcome to the Championshit.  It's gonna be a bugger to get out of.

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Instrumental break?

Last game of a dire season at Upton Park and the match became more about the crowd than the bloody on-field 'action'.  Still recovering from a miserable coach trip to Wigan exactly a week before (the scene of grown men weeping uncontrollably into their claret and blue) and in keeping with the theme of the rest of the season, it was time once again, to be thrashed unceremoniously at home.

I've been to most home games at Upton since November and this was by far the worst I had seen the Hammers play - maybe in years. If it hadn't been for the in-crowd entertainment, the whole afternoon would have been a pitiful affair.  Despite the fact we lost 3-0 at home to a not-very-good-by-any-stretch-of-the-imagination bunch of Northerners, there were some hilarious goings-on.

The Bobby Moore Lower sported a number of Hammers fans in fancy dress.  There was an Angel of Death, Joker from Batman, Uncle Fester and most appropriately a couple of Grim Reapers complete with plastic scythes to emphasise that our six year stint in the the Premier League had been well and truly reaped.

Sunderland went 2-0 up.  Predictably, the Sunday afternoon loser in the East Stand started effing and blinding in front of all the kids for a quid, stating in no uncertain terms that the Hammers were a bunch of cock and he would see them next Tuesday, before half walking / half stumbling drunkenly towards the exit.

But here's what I love about the Boleyn Ground, and it's a scene that will just never be repeated at that crappy Olymshit Stadium that Karren Brady is so set on ruining the game for.  Undeterred, about 100 Hammers fans decided to cheer themselves up and do the Conga down the length of the East Stand.

 Brilliant moment!  Went right past me and captured a few shots.

Oi! Fergusson! No!

You can't dominate the game!

Do I feel sorry for Man U? 

Do I really feel (deep down) that I should have got behind a British team last night and urged them on to UEFA victory? 


Great night of football.  Wish some of my teams could play like that.  Great night to see the dreaded Manchester United get well and truly thrashed by the best team in the world.  Sorry Man U fans.  Know it's a hell of a drop to fall from your high horse, but you're definitely NOT the best team in the world.

Had a debate going on with friends at work last week as to why, on footballing occasions like this, we should or shouldn't get behind a British team.  I pointed out that this was Club, not Country, and I'm not going to put on a half-arsed Northern accent and toss around like Ian Brown for the evening just for the sake of 'the British game'.  Half of my in-laws are Spanish; but even if they weren't, I would still have got behind Barcelona.  Would have still got behind anybody in fact just to see Sir Alex choke on his own Wriggly's.

I have felt for a long time now that Man U, Chelsea, Spurs and Arse-nal should just piss off out of the Prem and go around playing each other and continue with their main aim in life - trying to get one over on each other.  I'm pretty sure that would inject some well needed competition back into the game.

Have to say I love a good Man U embarrassment.  Not quite in the same league as 'The Night Man U lost 4-0 to West Ham' but there's still a satisfied smile on the face of football this morning. 

I truly believe that contrary to Old Trafford myth, there are more people in this world that hate Manchester United than love 'em.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Every little helps

Why doesn't someone demolish a Tesco's and build a fucking football stadium in its place huh?  That would kerb the growing trend of slaughter.

Say NO to the Olymshit Stadium.  Let bloody Tottenham have it.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Ryan makes me Gagg

Why the hell is Ryan Giggs ('OBE') worth £34 million?  He past his prime eons ago, hardly ever starts a game and has managed to rack up just a pathetic FOUR goals this season.  (And yet there's several thousand Hammers fans moaning 'bout Carlton Cole's dry spell.)

I don't give a shit who he's slept with and who he hasn't.  Could have been an emacidated ewe at the top of Mount Snowdon, or the spat out scraps in a Big Mac wrapper for all I care. But when I see Sir Alex on Sky News attempting to 'ban' a reporter from the next conference for simply asking the guy a straightforward question, I wonder what has happened to freedom of speech in our society.

So now Giggsy plans on suing Twitter.  I mean, hasn't he got enough cash on his 80-grand-a-week-for-doing-sod-all salary? We don't want him falling on hard times now do we? 

Good luck to him.  I didn't realise it was possible to take a message board to court.

Jog on Giggsy.  If you still can.